Blogophobia

So, I still am not blogging much. Hmmmm... What's going on?

I think the answer is: FEAR. Yep. Seems about right.

What do I have to be afraid of? Well, as you might expect, Christy and I are not as close as I'd like us to be. And basically, I'm afraid of making things worse.

I'm afraid of embarrassing Christy.

I'm afraid of making her look like a jerk.

I'm afraid of making myself look like a jerk.

I'm afraid that something I say might ruin any chances that exist (however remote they may seem to be) for Christy to return to Jesus.

What else am I afraid of? Yes, there actually is more.

I'm afraid of sharing any benefits of our separation, because I'm afraid that people might turn around and justify pursuing separation and divorce if I admit (or even worse, seem grateful for) aspects of having "daylight" between us - sorry, had to throw in a political reference just because we're getting into November.

I'm afraid of exploring my best attempts at leading our family toward Jesus and finding out that I was actually a terrible leader motivated more by self-interest than by a delight in Jesus and His ways.

I'm afraid of the criticisms I'm bound to generate if I'm open about my thoughts and decisions, and I'm also afraid of the relational damage I could create in both my own relationships and the relationships of others if I'm too open.

I'm afraid of what people might tell our kids about me, or about their mom. I want them to always feel free to love and appreciate us both, and I want them to know the full truth some day... but I want to guard for them an atmosphere of grace that allows them to respond to both Christy and me graciously. And I'm afraid that might be impossible.

So what am I supposed to do with these fears? After all, "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7, NKJV). The purpose for living in God's power, love and sound mind is most importantly that we should be not ashamed, but ready with the "testimony of our Lord" (2 Timothy 1:8). And that's the primary goal of my blogging, or at least, what it is supposed to be: to tell people how good Jesus is and has been to me.

So do I need to be afraid? No. I do not need to be afraid...

... of embarrassing Christy or making her look like a jerk, because that's not what I should be doing with the blog anyway. I can speak discreetly and still seek to honor her, giving just enough context for people to see Jesus' goodness in the midst of some trying times.

... of making myself look like a jerk, because the point of my blogging isn't to impress you people with how amazing I am. It's to help you see how amazing Jesus is.

... of ruining Christy's chances of returning to Jesus, because her hope of returning to Him is not in my hands. Her hope is based in Jesus' own pursuit of her (whether she currently believes it or not). Good thing, too, because He's a lot more persuasive, loving, faithful and reliable than I am. Considering that He's already hung on a cross to offer both Christy and me His salvation, why should anyone think He's going to give up now?

... of providing a justification (through separation-related benefits that I'm grateful for) for other people to pursue their own separations/divorces. If this blog is helping people to see Jesus, hear from Him, and honor Him, then those who read it should know that my life is far too tainted to serve as any kind of justification for dishonoring Jesus deliberately. Jesus is the standard, not me.

... of finding out that I've actually led - not "lead," as I see so many bloggers writing these days. Led is past tense of the verb, "to lead." But "lead," when pronounced the same as "led," is actually a noun that serves as the name of a metal that has often been used in plumbing. Sorry, pet peeve. - that I've led my family poorly and made foolish decisions, and then having other people chime in with their criticisms of me, too. It shouldn't be a news flash to anyone, including me, that I fall short (and yet even as I write this the pride in me wants to insist, "But I don't fall short compared to others, just compared to Jesus!" Yeah... right...), fail and sin. Where's my hope come from? Escaping my own criticism and yours? No. "Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies" (Romans 8:33, NIV). Oh, right. THAT's where I find solid hope. Crazy, but true. God justifies me in spite of me. I guess I can face up to finding out about the gaps in my character and discernment, then.

... of having my kids hear truths about me and Christy that tempt them to dishonor either of us. First, they already realize at least now and then that we aren't perfect (if anyone has noticed our separation, it's our kids). Second, they also see firsthand our attempts to treat one another with respect and friendship. Third, I will never stop encouraging them to love, respect, and enjoy the mother God gave them. And finally, they are going to have to learn to depend on Jesus Christ just like I have to depend on Him, including learning how to love and honor fallen human authorities out of love for Jesus. In other words, Jesus' grace is big enough not just to help me, but to help my kids, too. If I believe that, I do not need to be afraid.

I'm committing to blog more frequently. I should be specific, but I really don't want to, because I don't want to be accountable right now. So how about I start with once a week?

And I'll set aside my fear, even though it may still be clutching at my heart, to write with courage about my experiences. There's a fine line sometimes between courage and folly, so I will continue to pray for discernment in what I write. But mostly I pray that this blog helps whoever reads it to see that Jesus is faithful not just when life seems to be glory and perfection, but when it's in tatters, too. And one way I think you'll see His faithfulness show itself through me is this: He's helping me to overcome my fears.

Faked into Readiness

On Tuesday, Christy got in touch with me. Michael had been crying for two hours, his ear hurt, and he didn't want to go to school. She was going to need some help from me, which - fortunately - I could actually offer that day. A little bit later she told me that, within minutes of giving Michael some tylenol, he had decided that he did, in fact, want to go to school. Which made me smirk a little bit. What a turn-around!

At the same time, I didn't know whether there was really an ear problem going on or not. It had only been minutes after giving Michael the Tylenol that he had decided he felt better. Was that too quick? Or did the medicine actually kick in that quickly? How genuine was his ear pain? I needed to be prepared. So I went to the store and bought Michael some ear drops, just in case.

I still don't know whether his morning pain was genuine or not. Regardless, it never came back.

But this morning at 5:45, Emma rushed into my room. Her ear was throbbing with pain. And because I had been faked into buying ear medicine for Michael three days earlier, I was ready.

I wonder who in the world could care about us enough to fake us into readiness? Hmmm...