Separated

So... For those of you who haven't had a clue about things in my family life lately... Surprise! And probably not the kind of surprise that will be all that encouraging to you, either. Christy and I signed a separation agreement months ago (June) and tonight she moved permanently into her new apartment.

A big part of the reason that I haven't been blogging much is that I've been afraid I might say something I shouldn't, and I've been trying to give our relationship every shot I could. But now that we've not only signed an agreement, but physically separated (which makes it a bit more public than before), I feel like I can answer some questions I expect to hear from people over time. So here's a start.

1. What happened? - Answer) I'm not going to tell you everything, but here's a basic outline. Most of us have questions about different aspects of our faith, questions that are challenging and generate doubts. Following our departure from Swanton Alliance Church (January-February 2011), Christy did some research related to some of her doubts. Her research persuaded her to move from a supernatural view of the world to a naturalistic view (May 2011), so she no longer believed in the divinity of Jesus because she no longer believed in any god. Once she told me about her new outlook (July 2011), she and I struggled to figure out what the implications were for our relationship. Both of us had every intention of staying married. But between our huge worldview/spiritual differences and some personality clashes we've always had, our relationship dissolved to the point that once Christy had gone public with her atheism (November 13th, 2011) it was only one more day until divorce was in our plans (November 14th, 2011). After that, there was a period where our direction was toward divorce, but there were still discussions about reconsidering things (through January 2012). Since then, it has been pretty clear that we are headed for divorce. Here in North Carolina, a divorce requires a one-year separation period first. So the separation agreement was signed in June.

2. How are you doing? - Answer) Surprisingly well. That's not to make light of what's going on. But I've had so long to work through my emotions that I'm not in shock anymore, and I can see light ahead of me. The first few months of realizing what was happening were an absolute nightmare. But God has provided old friends who got in touch with me, new friends (especially through the church we began attending in summer 2011), time for emotional healing, several avenues for great counsel and mentoring, and a prospective new job.

3. How are the kids doing? - Answer) Surprisingly well. We told them a couple of weeks ago that we are divorcing. We didn't bother telling them that we're "just separating" because we decided that we would rather just have them think of us as having ended our marriage rather than have to tell them we "might" end our marriage, but we "might not" (and then tell them later that things didn't work out). If things ever work out so that we get back together, it will be good news for them regardless of whether they thought we were "only separated" or "divorcing." So we kept it simple and told them we're divorcing. And we made sure that we told them that we would both continue to love them and be their parents, and even that we would be friends (which seems surprisingly possible). They have responded really well. The youngest seems to have no clue what's going on. Of the other two, one has pretty much asked no questions at all since our talk and is just excited about getting a bunk bed when staying at mommy's house. The other has asked many questions and likes some of the possibilities while not liking others.

4. How is Christy doing? - Answer) First of all, yes, I care enough about her that you're allowed to show that you care about her when you're in my presence, so this question is fine. As to how she's doing, she's torn. She's doing really well as a businesswoman and is really enjoying motherhood. But she's worried for our children as they experience our separation/divorce (even though she's happy that they seem to be responding so well), and the divorce itself bothers her in ways that I should probably let her express for herself to those of you who know her. But let me just take the opportunity to say here that, apart from the separation/divorce itself, the process we're going through is rather amicable and friendly. We haven't fought over our kids because we both want them to have access to both their parents. And we haven't been fighting over our stuff, either. We're trying to treat one another well, partially just because we both care about being kind and partially because we recognize that we have kids who shouldn't have to side with one parent against another.

5. How's your faith doing? - Answer) Let me re-phrase that question for you: "How's my relationship with Jesus doing?" I never lost it. Rather, He never lost hold of me. He is amazingly faithful. There were some very volatile periods, but I may have to share those details some other time. 

6. Can I still be friends with Christy? - Answer) If you were friends with Christy before, then feel free to keep being her friend without feeling like you're betraying me or something like that. If you weren't really friends with her before, please don't be weird and try to reach out to her right now just because you've learned about our separation. On the other hand, if somehow you wind up in the same circles and develop a friendship naturally, that's great. We don't really want our friends to have to choose sides any more than we want that for our kids.

7. How can I help? - Answer) I'm really not sure. You'd have to ask Christy to get her answers. And my answers at this point mostly revolve around our kids. I won't have Christy here to cook supper for them anymore, so if you have any favorite healthy recipes for kids, send them to me (thanks in advance). Also, if you have any great ideas for fun things to do with kids here in Charlotte, I'll be happy to hear about those, too. But mostly, I've been realizing that Jesus gave me people who care about me, people like you, and that your friendships are probably the most valuable gifts you could ever give me -- whether you ever have the opportunity to help me out in more practical ways or not. It has been amazing to me to see how Jesus has had friends from the past step into my life in the present (usually at times when I wasn't expecting to hear from them) to re-fuel me with hope for the future. At the risk of forgetting some of the friends who have been enormously encouraging throughout this experience, I would just like to publicly thank Jared Kennedy, Kyle Lange, Allen Pierson, Will Johnson, Will and Rachel Gray, Trent and Elizabeth Deloach, Nathan Ivey, David Love, theGathering (my church) leadership, my community group, David Broome and Brad Trosen. But if your name wasn't here, please don't feel snubbed. I can't tell you how many times I have breathed a prayer of gratitude for the friends Jesus has placed in my life.

8. Why am I posting this publicly? - Answer) I hope to begin blogging more again. I'm not sure that my blog posts will be quite as focused on devotional thoughts as before. We'll see. Maybe they will. But I can't help myself when I'm blogging: I express who I am. So I thought it would be appropriate for people to have an updated profile of who I am and where I'm coming from. I doubt that the entire blog will shift to a focus on being separated/divorced. But some of it will. And so I'll be exploring questions and thoughts that I may not have even imagined before. Now you'll know why.

9. Is this going to become a gripe-fest? - Answer) No... Wait, I'm human... Maybe. But I don't want it to. So if you see it turning into a gripe-fest, or if you see me making negative comments about Christy or something like that, please call me on it. In the comments. Or if you know my phone number, call me up directly. I'll wrestle with my emotions from time to time, but I hope to wrestle in such a way that I show only the conflict between one set of my emotions and another, rather than between me and other people.

10. Do you know when Jesus is coming back? - Answer) No. No, I don't. But that's going to be a wonderful day. This experience has revealed to me that I don't care nearly enough about it being a wonderful day for everyone. So let's pray together that Jesus would fill our hearts with the kind of concern for others that genuinely loves them as friends and that takes us from wanting people to go to heaven because "we're supposed to" all the way to wanting them in heaven because we know them, love them, and would miss them terribly if they weren't there with us.